happy

I've meet you. Spend this whole day with you and the others. Veryyy happyyy. I always feel comfort beside you. Still and always be. Although our relationship in cyber world is not that good, but everything became okay when I'm with you again. Walk beside you. Doing things with you. At least that is what I feel now. That I feel very happy and enjoying this day. I'm not good in cyber world. I prefer to face you. Thank you for today to all my bestie. Just realize that the usual things we did in the past, is now feel so precious. Our time together. One of the happiest day in my life. Thank you thank you. Miss you all....love you

rendezvous

I'm going to meet you today. Hope everything is alright.I want to see you. Even at this point I want to see you. I miss you actually. Miss our time together.

alone

Merasa sangat sendirian. No one to talk no one to hear. Apa yang bisa mengakhiri perasaan seperti ini. Apa yang bisa membuatku tenang tanpa berpikir. Aku hidup tanpa tujuan tanpa arah. Tidak tahu harus kemana dengan siapa. Aku sudah hampir kehilangan semangatku. Semangatku untuk hidup dan berjuang. Hanya tersisa puing2 semangat yang harus kupunguti satu persatu. Dan ironisnya semua karena salahku sendiri. Aku yang menghancurkannya.
I want to cry but I don't have a shoulder to cry on.
I want to talk but I don't have an ears to hear.
I want to walk on but nothing wait for me at the end.
I'm alone.

regreting

Maaf krn ak tdk bisa ada di waktu2 sulitmu. Maaf karena ak tidak bisa keluar dari jalan ini. Maaf karena usahaku tidak cukup untuk bisa membuatmu kembali. Maaf karena ternyata aku tidak cukup baik untukmu. Maaf untuk semua yang telah hilang waktu yang telah pergi. Maaf karena bahkan ak tidak bisa melakukan pembelaan apapun atas diriku. Maaf karena keadaan menjadi seperti ini. Maaf karena ak tak mampu menggenggam tanganmu lagi. Maaf maaf maaf maaf. Seribu maaf pun tidak akan mampu membuatmu kembali. Seribu maaf pun tidak akan memperbaiki apapun.

can you see that

Ada suatu waktu dimana ak benar-benar berusaha. Can you see that?
Dan sebenarnya ak ingin terus berusaha. Tapi ternyata memang ada hal2 yang tidak perlu kita ketahui. The hurt things. Gak tau itu terkadang lebih menyenangkan. Honesty is harsh.
Like walking on the city boulevard. Always crowd. But even you don't know anyone. They are all not knowing you. And you don't know them either. Just like walking alone.

tertinggalkan waktu

feels like everyone left
Mungkin ini emang kesalahanku sendiri,bahwa ak membiarkan my bestie,teman2 terbaikku pergi,salah,bukan pergi tapi menjauh. Ak ga tau darimana awalnya dan ak juga ga melihat ada jalan untuk kembali. Seperti katamu, bahwa km benci ak. Benci dengan semua perubahan2ku. Benci dengan sifat2ku. Benci dengan cara hidupku sekarang. Dan sejujurnya sempat terpikir olehku bhwa ternyata emg cuma begini tok akhirnya. Dan batas antara rasa sayang dan benci itu memang tipis. Atau memang km ga pernah sesayang itu sama ak. Entahlah. Ak tidak berhak menyalahkanmu atas smua yg terjadi padaku sekarang. Bahwa ak tertinggal tanpa siapapun didekatku. Cuma bteman kertas2 dan layar komputer mulai pagi sampek malam. Ak cuma tidak bisa lepas dari hidupku sekarang. Dan memang ga mungkin lepas. Dan kalian tidak bisa menerima aku dan hidupku. Dan jadilah ak bjalan seorang diri skarang. Dulu selalu ada seseorang yg berjalan disampingku. Dan seperti katamu mungkin ak memang lebih memilih pekerjaanku daripada teman. Dan katamu kamu lebih memilih bkerja biasa2 saja dan mempertahankan teman2mu. Sungguh sampai detik kau mengatakan hal itu padaku ak tidak pernah berpikir seperti. Kalian adalah teman2 terbaikku dan akan tetap menjadi seperti. Kupikir kau cukup mengenalku untuk tahu bahwa ak tidak pintar berkomunikasi dalam dunia maya. Mungkin kaupikir ini cuma excuse ku saja supaya ak tidak disalahkan atas smua yang terjadi padaku sekarang. Tapi tahukah kamu kalo ak selalu merasa iru setiap kali membaca statusmu stiap kali membaca obrolan kalian. Ak ingin bgabung dengan kalian. Tapi entahlah ak terlalu takut untuk salah. Salah mengucapkan sesuatu yg akan membuatmu marah lagi. Jadi terkadang ak cuma bisa diam membca obrolan seru kalian. Apakah km pernah mengerti perasaanku. Seandainya waktu bisa kuputar ak akan kembali ke waktu. Hari yang mengubah hidupku slamanya. Hari yg membuatku kehilangan kalian. Ak selalu brusaha untuk bsama2 kalian. Tp kamu sepertinya tidak melihat usahaku itu dan sudah menjudge bahwa "ya sudahlah km pergi aja, buat apa km masi disini, ngganggu aja, ga usah muncul2 lagi di hadapanku, ak sudah muak melihatmu, kan km yg memilih, trus ngapain km masi ngglibet disini, sudah ga usah pedulikan kita" hhhhhhh ak seolah2 slalu mendengar kata2 itu darimu stiap kali ak brusaha untuk mendekati kalian lagi, atau mungkin ak yg kurang brusaha. Entahlah, tp sungguh skarang ini yg kurasakan cuma takut ketika ak akan mulai bgabung dengan kalian. Takut bahwa ak akan membuat smuanya menjadi lebih. Takut membuatmu murka dan muak. Mungkin sudah. Jadi ak memilih diam. Ak tau ini salah, dengan diam ak hanya akan menciptakan jarak yang semakin lebar, tapi ak ga sanggup untuk mengeluarkan sepatah katapun. Hhhhh ak slalu tidak pintar berkomunikasi dalam dunia maya ini. Dan ak mulai membenci hp ini. Cuma bisa membuatku iri. 4elalu membuatku bpikir bahwa km slalu bisa bgaul dengan orang lebih baik daripada aku. Bahwa km mau brusaha untuk mreka tp tidak denganku. Bahwa pada akhirnya km pun tidak bisa menerimaku. Ironis sekali jika mengingat bahwa kau membenciku skarang. Dan ak tahu bagaimana seharusnya harus bsikap, krna ak tau seperti apa km ketika kau membenci seseorang. Jadi haruskah ak pergi dari hidupmu slamanya dan ga pernah kembali. Jadi apakah km sudah tidak mau mlihatku lagi.

no way back

No way back,never. This is the consequence I must face up. I have no expected before that the price I must pay is that high. But we can't go back to that time again. There will be no chance to repeat all start over again. I've lost you. The things that I must accept. The reality. Everything is not same like yesterday when we are together. I always give it a try.To walk on to put my attention on your life. To try to talk with you as I can. To try open a topic. But it's not enough to make it all okay. Everything changes. That's the point. We both growing up on our own way. Separated. But still wanna put a more try. It will not change anything, but maybe making everything better. Don't you know that you still influence my life. Love you,always.

still

I'm still trying...but dunno...seem like everything going hard,and you're not comfort to be with me again,actually what happen with us...huhhhhh I don't want became like this...sad sad sad. You're still my bestiee,the one that I love and will always be. And I became hate tthe distance. Even technology can't help me out. My mistake,truly.

not giving up

Ak tidak menyerah bertahun2 lalu,tidak juga sekarang

on the contrary side

Long time not write here. Having many activities after everything I wrote here last May. When I decided to break up my shell. I have my nu namja that makes me feel enough comfort and peaceful. Someone that hear me a lot when I feel lonely.Even when you're not there beside me at that time. I always write here when I have a matter with you,just like what I'm doing right now.
I have him now. Something that out of your mind at that time right? Because my life was full of you at that time. And now I have another one. And maybe you feel like what I feel when I wrote that post last May. Okayy I will write out about it furthermore later. To be continue....

feel so empty

never having this feeling before

huhuhuhuhuhuuu

honestly i'm tired, you always makes me cry, i'm tired crying like this all the time.
brengseekkkk, apa se sebenere salahku
i try to accept the new you, i give my best effort to support you, to always there when you need me, but once i can't do that why you angry to me like that, i try with all my heart, along these time i even can't recognize you, i'm so tired,even in this condition i still wanna hold you and always give it a try, i'll keep my try, to recognize the new you, feel so far
you know that i'm a fool for loving you deeply

still dunno

still dont know what am i looking for,
anyway congratz, finally you got the job, but i think i will feel more lonely if you go to work next month.but very happy that you got that.seeing you happy always makes me happy too.
but this recent day i just feel ignore by you, yeaahh like usual, singing my ost by utopia, hahhaa.that really makes me down you know. that i dont have no one to talk. makes me affraid that i will be alone someday. and i'm affraid to be alone. anywayy, you just send me text message, lets we open it.so you just reply my sms with nope, wae?so short. you know, yesterday i really feel dont have no one. i dont have you. i dont have our friends. really feel alone. depressed. but thanks to my namja that he call me yesterday night and hear me.having a long and exciting talk. something that i can't get from you anymore since a long time. he hear me a lot. makes me little bit feel better. at least i still have him yesterday, when everyone left me. thanks God You sent him. i really enjoy these kind of relationship. although you're not disagree with that. enough talking about him.
so dont you know that today i decide to release my self, my shell. i try to make a friendship with my factory friends. i decide to open myself, and not stuck with you. something that i know i should do. you have do that first. you make a lot friend this recent time, right? makes me really feel jealous. yeaahh i do. so i decide it. making a lot friends. because i'm really affraid that i will left alone, and someday i will have no one.
sometimes i feel like i dont know you. that you are whom i know is not like this. is this really you?you really change a lot. i really can't imagine this is really you. okayy it lead to positive changes. but still i feel weird. sometimes i just miss the past of you. sometimes. but it doesnt matter actually whether you change a lot or not. because i promised that i will accept you just the way you are, right?but please dont ignore me. it makes me really hurt you know. dont have no one and ignoring by you.that is the worst. aarrgghh y sudahlah...i will just take it simple and easy. i will makes my day happier even you're not beside me. making a lot friend. working like workaholic. going out with friends. buying something i like. talking with my namja. everything as long as its makes me happy and peaceful. just wish me luck this time okayyy...

saving savingg

no eat outside too often, no buy cosmetics, no buy books, no buy cloths. let saving a lot of money this month. wanna buy something important hohhhooo...

my heart hurt...

...seeing you in this state, is it my false to make you feel that? maybe... sorry for everything happened. sorry that everything became like this. i never want to seeing you hurt. never.huuffhh i just realize now, that you still being my priority instead of him. he just no one compare with you. how can i go to your side? to always standing in front of you. do you know how much i care about you? is it late for me to go to your side now?
i just dont know why everything became like this. this just too far from my plan before. too far from my wish. and guess, i just feel alone now, that i'm different from you all. my heart so hurt. hhwwuuaaaaaaa...
i'm crying for everything happen to you, for everything happen to us.
why this must be like this??
i really begin loosing you, or you begin loosing me?hufffhhh
please, dont let we stay like this forever. i will never bear it. because it is you.
will we end up like this, after everything, every moment we spent together?afraid.

what am i looking for

feel so empty, and missing you so badly. dont have any destination but you. even working like workaholic doesn't help. that's a relief that i decide to working over hours today. stay at home will make me remembering of you all the day. i really dont know where i must go. please give a clue. give me an objective. i want to stop my step, but it will not makes us to meet. i want to walk straight but i dont know what is waiting for me there. like seeing an unseen road. walk on road full of bend. we never know what will we meet in the next bend. will we meet on the next bend, or if i through that road we will not ever meet.

9 weeks 3 days

and we still can't meet. i thought that we dont meet for veryyy longg time. dont know why the times walks slowly, recently. and just realize that you ignored me. hahhhaa just like usual. what things on earth will makes you turn your head to see me when you are there? the answer is n.o.t.h.i.n.g.... hahhaa... what makes me think that you will at least see me? i must be crazy to think like that. that is really impossible. i know you too fry beeiibbhh. so, stop complaining with all of these. and try to accept the condition. just like usual. i must be aware where is my position exactly.

having a deep thought on my way home on the bus this day.

huh

this time i really learn that we're not always get everything we want. even my heartedfully will, doesn't change anything. this time i learn to have a responsibility beyond the private things. although that private things is the most important thing in my life. the thing to whom i will give every breath, every heart. but, it doesn't change anything after all. my mood going bad. try to cheering up myself. i supposed to be happy that finally you're come here. although we can't meet. huhuhuhuhuhuuu. at least we will see the same sky, and breath the same air. huh. i really want to go tomorrow, to leave everything because of you. but i can't. i've think many way to run off. but there's no way. i supposed to arrange the way to run off perfectly if i know that tomorrow will be the only chance to meet you. this is really irritate me. aarrggghhhh. and i begin hate you for everything you do without noticing me. can you at least giving me a notification first? you always do this to me. a l w a y s. you always say that you are in uncertainty condition. and you dont want to give a hope that we can meet up. so you didn't say anything, didn't notice anything. affraid that we can't meet up. okaayyy... even that will be better than this condition. like i've seen you but i can't go to you because my foot can't move. hate this the most. i prefer to disappointed that we can't meet because of external things, a sudden thing, not like this. hate this the most. i was really used to delayed by you. to follow the rythm of your life. with all that uncertainty things include in. and just tell me, when i can't follow you? this time!. you know that i will sacrifice everything for you. to always follow your rythm, but this time i really can't. i used to arranged that the other things will not interfere us long day before. i think the way,that every step i take will not interfering us, that there will be no people affect me to take my decision about you. but i lose this time. there will be many people involve. and i just can see you without doing anything. i hate this the most.

anywayy...love this blog. i think i will be crazy if i dont have this blog. at least writing here makes my mood better.

u're here!

just know that u're here!uhhh, knp g bilang dari kmrn2 sihh, tau gitu ak besok cuti, g peduli deh mau training atau apaaa, peduli amatt, yg penting ktm km. gini inii terlanjur bw banyakk kerjaan pulang, dan otomatis bsk hrs masuk.uh bete.anak2 bisa ktm km bsk, trus akuuu gimanaaa arrrgghhhhhhhhhhh.seballl.

you just dont know

you just dont know that you are so loved. many people loves you. just the way you are. somehow i want to replace you to beingt hurt. that's why i really need to go there sooner. i will not bring you more happiness. but at least i will ensure that you are not alone when you're hurt. God, just send me a way to be closer with her.

pms

you or me or both of us???
what day is it? it is hellday
but still say thanks to God for all gift this day...
honestly, i really tired saying yes and doing exactly every people say
i must do it there, and now i must do it here
damn, feel so depressed.
i realize that now you're not in good mood, of course. everything still uncertain. and maybe you just feel left behind (i will exactly feel it if i were you).
and now, my task is to get along well with you. whatever you do. i must stay beside you and trying to be a shade when sunny day, an umbrella when it's rain, and a handkerchief when you cry. i know i talk too much, and maybe i can't be like that. but i've been trying up til now. you'll never understand my thought. actually, you dont understand a thing. you never see me. exactly 7 weeks since you've gone. and exactly 7 weeks 4 days since our last meeting. i thought it's longer than that. somehow i feel that time begin walks slowly.

opium

small doses of opium really makes my night, even will makes tomorrow brighter....komawo nae chingu, you really are some opium, hohhoo

that's a relief

that's really a relief if she found her happiness through twitter. that's really a relief. thanks God.

she is sad

always having bad feeling when she is sad. i have choose my way of life.but this kind of matter always makes me weak.but it really doesn't matter. i prefer seeing her happy than anything else in this world. please be happy,be strong.hemboghaseyo.God please always bless her and don't let her sad.give her a job.give her a happiness.

feel much better

that i realize the condition now, i dont want to keep my heavy thought, it makes my heart sick, but...


Lyla – Bernafas Tanpamu

Mungkin kau bertanya-tanya
Arti perhatianku terhadapmu
Pasti kau menerka-nerka
Apa yang tersirat dalam gerakku
Akulah serpihan kisah masa lalumu
Yang sekedar ingin tahu keadaanmu

Tak pernah aku bermaksud mengusikmu
Mengganggu setiap ketentraman hidupmu
Hanya tak mudah bagiku lupakanmu
Dan pergi menjauh

Beri sedikit waktu
Agar ku terbiasa
Bernafas tanpamu

*yeahhh gimme a little more time, to breathing and walking on without you...
someday maybe i can stand by myself, but not now..
gimme a little more time again...

hi againn

long time not write here, having commit that i will not make myself more sad if i write here again.
okay, firstly i want to confess a sin, i just found out my bestiee blog, miyanne. having no idea what to do and dont know where it came from, i find the blog. and of course i found it, mr google always know the answer,hahha. If she know that i found out her blog, i'm sure that she will be mad. aaagghhhhh. and this is not time to make her angry. our relationship just going bad recently. i dont know why. maybe it just my thought coz i have pms syndrom. or maybe it is true. but really feel that i'm not knowing her anymore slightly but sure. i want to be an ears for her. but she never talked to me. having thought that maybe she just found a new community that makes her enjoy and comfort. and here i am. forgotten. aaahhh why i write sad thing again here, but it really can't helped. really need some people around. a friends that makes me happy.
back to her, maybe this is all my false to having thought like that. she is isolated there. without any friends, without no one, and of course she feel alone, that she dont have anything to do since she is not going to work yet. all she can do is surfing on the cyber world. and she found some people that having the same interest as she does. and she feel enjoy and comfort. so, actually what's wrong with all of that?the fact, maybe the one that feels left behind is her. and always raise 4 thumbs up for her having a brave and consistent way of life. exactly 1 month since she is been there. 1 month 1 week since our last meeting. feel that it's been long althought it's not that long. time really walks slowly recently. when we will meet again?having thought that as the time goes by, it will be harder for us to meet again. really makes me depress. think that i'm egoist. i always see everything from my side. always feel left behind, always feel ignored, always feel that she is not loves me (this point is true). but i never see from her point of view. how she's doing there, is she lonely, is she depress, is everything okay with her. i just trying to understand it all. miyan that i can't be a good friend to you. i'll try to be a good one this time. try to remove all my egoistic. not force her with all my heavy thought again. i just hoping that she still regards me as her friend, her ears always. i dont know, why i always having a thought that i always want to know everything about her, okaaayy i call it obsession. sorry that i makes you my obsession object. but absolutely it really can't be help. i became a stalker, find out her activities, find her blog, always open her timeline. maybe i also need to go to psychiatrist as her. that's why i really irritating when i know she has ignore me because her cyber activities. hhhh...really sorry. but i have this disease even since our first year meeting. aarrrgggghhhh. always want to heal this disease. but as the time goes by, i even can't control it again. maybe the only way to heal this is trying to not thinking of you all the time. take my own step and choose the one that makes us impossible to meet up in the path of destiny .maybe i need to always think of my way of life only. what is my real dream. what is actually all i want. how is actually the real me. and trying to make my own decision without any intervention of having thought of her. can i?

unwell

hhhhh.....dunno,really feel unwell,and muchh worrying you.uuhhhhh

feel no good

feel no good for unknown reason.did something happened to you?

tuhan memang baik

terima kasih tuhan. allah memang baik. merasa sangat disayang sama tuhan.

so far

feel so far................

fly me to the moon

by. jang geum suk feat. park shin hye

Fly me to the moon
Let me play among the stars
Let me see what spring is like
On a-Jupiter and Mars
In other words, hold my hand
In other words, baby, kiss me

Fill my heart with song
And let me sing for ever more
You are all I long for?
All I worship and adore
In other words, please be true
In other words, I love you

how r u

how was the day? i missed you. went to go out with friend, and eating lumpia, remind me of you a lot. that you always like the sauce. aaahhhh. no good. want to share everything with someone. i guess it must be you. but it can't help. too far too reach.
hoping that your life full of happiness, and you will find something there. aaahhh no good.

already few days

already few days since you've been gone. already few days we haven't been talked yet. and i just have maannyyy things to talk about. already miss you. still feel weird when you're not around. i guess we will stay like this from now on. there will be no such a long talk like we always did when you're around. maybe i should being familiar to that. maybe i should try to adapt to this condition. everything will not stay the same when you're around. the most important thing now, that i must try to walk on. to reach my dreams. jakarta. japan. paris. we'll meet there.

next destination

my next destination is ... Jakarta... Japan... Paris
we'll see...
good bye

in this late night

having talking about uri chingu. emmmm... dont know why makes me little bit more lonely. aaarrrggghhhhhh. mau sembuh.
3 days left. and you will leave to there. arrrggghhhhh.

haii

missing you nae chingu. hope to share everything w/ u

Dear Friend,

i'm happy that finally you make your decision. searching the new life. experience the new life. going far away to chase your dream. maybe it will harder, but you gotta to be strong and brave. will not stop worrying you. but i know you can make it. surely. you was taking the first step. the hardest step. so , i'm sure the next will be easier. fighting. i will missing you much. it's not easy to life without you after these years we're together. the years full of memories. but i will continue my life. fight to chase my dream too. we just arrived in the branch of road. we must take different way.our own way. when we're ready to meet, we must ready to separate. everything i want is seeing you happy. you must live your life well. arachi? you will have the new life there. new activities. new friends. maybe you will found the other me there. who can preserve you well. but you need to life by yourself. try to stand by yourself. surely you can. when you feel down and sad, you do not need to worry, you always have me. although i'm not there. although i can't preserve you and hold your hands. but believe me, i will always pray for your happiness. my next life maybe will be harder too. but dont worry about me. i will be okay here. i will trying to release from addiction of you. to used living my life without you. to make a plan without you. to decide everything by myself. maybe sometimes i can't bear it. but i will know that i gotta walk straight. you will busy there, and you will not have the time to take care of me. i will feel ignored and sad. but surely i can stand up again. knowing that you are happy will make me happy too. dont be affraid of anything. nothing to be fear. everything is not worth to affraid for. promise me you will take care of yourself and live your life well. haemboghaseyo. someday when we meet, we must being better than now. will much missing you.

criying

now.. can't bear it anymore, huhuhuhuhuhuhuhuu

one more step

and i guess you will be my obsession

unwell

feeling unwell. dont know why. impact of your leaving maybe. or any other causes. dunno.
we supposed to meet this day. but just like usual. the things never certainty if it is about you.
so.. here i am. hoping the best for your life beiibbh

the time

the time is coming. fur losing you. the perfect 1st graduation anniversary. will muchh missing you girl. will you missing me there? still can't imagine how is my life later. i'll think it later. dont want to make this heavier. will enjoy our limited time together. hoping that you will get your life better there, sincerely. but i supposed to be happy that finally you make a decision. right decision. always pray to God for this. may God always save you and bless you. huhuhuhuhuhu....
between happiness and sadness

wake up

december was end. let's wake up. and facing up the reality. hope to a better future.