still dunno

still dont know what am i looking for,
anyway congratz, finally you got the job, but i think i will feel more lonely if you go to work next month.but very happy that you got that.seeing you happy always makes me happy too.
but this recent day i just feel ignore by you, yeaahh like usual, singing my ost by utopia, hahhaa.that really makes me down you know. that i dont have no one to talk. makes me affraid that i will be alone someday. and i'm affraid to be alone. anywayy, you just send me text message, lets we open it.so you just reply my sms with nope, wae?so short. you know, yesterday i really feel dont have no one. i dont have you. i dont have our friends. really feel alone. depressed. but thanks to my namja that he call me yesterday night and hear me.having a long and exciting talk. something that i can't get from you anymore since a long time. he hear me a lot. makes me little bit feel better. at least i still have him yesterday, when everyone left me. thanks God You sent him. i really enjoy these kind of relationship. although you're not disagree with that. enough talking about him.
so dont you know that today i decide to release my self, my shell. i try to make a friendship with my factory friends. i decide to open myself, and not stuck with you. something that i know i should do. you have do that first. you make a lot friend this recent time, right? makes me really feel jealous. yeaahh i do. so i decide it. making a lot friends. because i'm really affraid that i will left alone, and someday i will have no one.
sometimes i feel like i dont know you. that you are whom i know is not like this. is this really you?you really change a lot. i really can't imagine this is really you. okayy it lead to positive changes. but still i feel weird. sometimes i just miss the past of you. sometimes. but it doesnt matter actually whether you change a lot or not. because i promised that i will accept you just the way you are, right?but please dont ignore me. it makes me really hurt you know. dont have no one and ignoring by you.that is the worst. aarrgghh y sudahlah...i will just take it simple and easy. i will makes my day happier even you're not beside me. making a lot friend. working like workaholic. going out with friends. buying something i like. talking with my namja. everything as long as its makes me happy and peaceful. just wish me luck this time okayyy...

saving savingg

no eat outside too often, no buy cosmetics, no buy books, no buy cloths. let saving a lot of money this month. wanna buy something important hohhhooo...

my heart hurt...

...seeing you in this state, is it my false to make you feel that? maybe... sorry for everything happened. sorry that everything became like this. i never want to seeing you hurt. never.huuffhh i just realize now, that you still being my priority instead of him. he just no one compare with you. how can i go to your side? to always standing in front of you. do you know how much i care about you? is it late for me to go to your side now?
i just dont know why everything became like this. this just too far from my plan before. too far from my wish. and guess, i just feel alone now, that i'm different from you all. my heart so hurt. hhwwuuaaaaaaa...
i'm crying for everything happen to you, for everything happen to us.
why this must be like this??
i really begin loosing you, or you begin loosing me?hufffhhh
please, dont let we stay like this forever. i will never bear it. because it is you.
will we end up like this, after everything, every moment we spent together?afraid.

what am i looking for

feel so empty, and missing you so badly. dont have any destination but you. even working like workaholic doesn't help. that's a relief that i decide to working over hours today. stay at home will make me remembering of you all the day. i really dont know where i must go. please give a clue. give me an objective. i want to stop my step, but it will not makes us to meet. i want to walk straight but i dont know what is waiting for me there. like seeing an unseen road. walk on road full of bend. we never know what will we meet in the next bend. will we meet on the next bend, or if i through that road we will not ever meet.

9 weeks 3 days

and we still can't meet. i thought that we dont meet for veryyy longg time. dont know why the times walks slowly, recently. and just realize that you ignored me. hahhhaa just like usual. what things on earth will makes you turn your head to see me when you are there? the answer is n.o.t.h.i.n.g.... hahhaa... what makes me think that you will at least see me? i must be crazy to think like that. that is really impossible. i know you too fry beeiibbhh. so, stop complaining with all of these. and try to accept the condition. just like usual. i must be aware where is my position exactly.

having a deep thought on my way home on the bus this day.

huh

this time i really learn that we're not always get everything we want. even my heartedfully will, doesn't change anything. this time i learn to have a responsibility beyond the private things. although that private things is the most important thing in my life. the thing to whom i will give every breath, every heart. but, it doesn't change anything after all. my mood going bad. try to cheering up myself. i supposed to be happy that finally you're come here. although we can't meet. huhuhuhuhuhuuu. at least we will see the same sky, and breath the same air. huh. i really want to go tomorrow, to leave everything because of you. but i can't. i've think many way to run off. but there's no way. i supposed to arrange the way to run off perfectly if i know that tomorrow will be the only chance to meet you. this is really irritate me. aarrggghhhh. and i begin hate you for everything you do without noticing me. can you at least giving me a notification first? you always do this to me. a l w a y s. you always say that you are in uncertainty condition. and you dont want to give a hope that we can meet up. so you didn't say anything, didn't notice anything. affraid that we can't meet up. okaayyy... even that will be better than this condition. like i've seen you but i can't go to you because my foot can't move. hate this the most. i prefer to disappointed that we can't meet because of external things, a sudden thing, not like this. hate this the most. i was really used to delayed by you. to follow the rythm of your life. with all that uncertainty things include in. and just tell me, when i can't follow you? this time!. you know that i will sacrifice everything for you. to always follow your rythm, but this time i really can't. i used to arranged that the other things will not interfere us long day before. i think the way,that every step i take will not interfering us, that there will be no people affect me to take my decision about you. but i lose this time. there will be many people involve. and i just can see you without doing anything. i hate this the most.

anywayy...love this blog. i think i will be crazy if i dont have this blog. at least writing here makes my mood better.

u're here!

just know that u're here!uhhh, knp g bilang dari kmrn2 sihh, tau gitu ak besok cuti, g peduli deh mau training atau apaaa, peduli amatt, yg penting ktm km. gini inii terlanjur bw banyakk kerjaan pulang, dan otomatis bsk hrs masuk.uh bete.anak2 bisa ktm km bsk, trus akuuu gimanaaa arrrgghhhhhhhhhhh.seballl.